FOR GOOD

Freeman 39-year-old recognized nationally for her work as an adoption specialist with the Children’s Home Society of South Dakota — but this is not about her.

Story & Photo by Jeremy Waltner

For those who believe that caring for others is life’s greatest purpose — which Tina Graber most certainly does — then the reward associated with that is invaluable.

For Graber, an adoption specialist with the Children’s Home Society of South Dakota, that reward comes in working with and connecting youth in foster care with those who can offer stability and support, ideally through adoption.

“This is what I’m most passionate about,” says Graber, a resident of rural Freeman who moved here from Kansas after marrying Dan Graber in 2009. “Healing happens through relationships and family. While adoption is the ultimate goal because it provides legal permanency and a deep sense of belonging, building strong connections — even if adoption isn’t finalized — can be very meaningful.”

There is another kind of reward the 39-year-old has recently experienced, and it’s not one she saw coming. Earlier this month, at the 20th annual summit of the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption at Columbus, Ohio, Graber was honored as one of three Recruiters of the Year among more than 600 working across the United States. The honor came through a program called Wendy’s Wonderful Kids (WWK), a signature component of the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption that supports those like Graber who are dedicated to finding permanent families for children in the foster system who are in tough situations.

The goal of WWK, she says, is to connect youth with families before they “age out” of the foster care system at 18.

“By the time kids come to me, they’ve often been in the system for at least two years — sometimes much longer,” says Graber, who in 2007 earned her undergraduate in social work from Bethel College in N. Newton, Kan., and, in 2013, her master’s from the University of Minnesota. “They’re usually living in foster homes that aren’t willing or able to adopt them, or in residential treatment facilities if they have significant behavioral or emotional needs.

“Preparing families is critical,” Graber says. “They need to understand that parenting a child from foster care, especially one who has experienced trauma, requires different approaches than parenting biological children.”

The ultimate goal is legal permanency.

“Legal permanency means the family is fully and legally committed, and the child has the same rights as biological children,” she says. “Without that legal commitment, children often still feel somewhat different or uncertain about their place in the family.

“It’s challenging but incredibly rewarding work.”

Trusting the process

Graber is one of two adoption specialists with the Children’s Home Society of South Dakota and works closely with the Department of Social Services, who connects her with children in foster care who are in the most challenging situations. Most are between the ages of 9 and into their teenage years.

“The kids we work with are usually some of the harder-to-place youth; many are teenagers with emotional or behavioral challenges,” says Graber, who works with between 12 and 15 youth at a time and also monitors as many as eight others who have been matched with a family and are on the path toward adoption. “Some have been in and out of residential treatment facilities. Others have severe medical or special needs, including cognitive or intellectual disabilities. We also get referrals for large sibling groups —sometimes three, four, or even six siblings — because keeping siblings together is very important.”

“My job is to build strong relationships with these kids,” she continues. “I meet with them monthly — initially to develop trust. Part of that relationship building involves preparing them for adoption — helping them understand the process and what it means to be adopted. Many have inaccurate ideas or fears about adoption, so I provide education to ‘unpack the no.’

“Older kids often say no to adoption because it’s scary — they’ve been let down or abandoned by families before, so committing to a new family feels risky. We talk through their fears. Sometimes the issue is something as simple as not wanting to change their last name, which can be worked around.”

Equally important, Graber says, is walking alongside a family considering adoption and developing an understanding of both expectations and reality. She also conducts ‘diligent searches’ to locate relatives or other people from the child’s past, like teachers, coaches or family friends, who might have lost contact.

“Ideally, we find a relative who can adopt, which is often the best outcome,” Graber says. “Once I find potential families, I educate them about how they can support the child, whether as adoptive parents or as a support network. If a family agrees to adopt, we prepare them with training specific to the child’s needs. We also help build the relationship between the child and the family; transition planning is crucial to help the child move into the new home.”

She continues to offer support in the months following adoption; Graber notes children must live with the family for six months before the adoption can be finalized.

“I continue to support the family during the adjustment period, because after the initial ‘honeymoon phase,’ challenges often arise,” she says. “The goal is to stabilize the placement and move toward adoption finalization.”

Even in those cases where that doesn’t always happen, there is still value in the process.

“Success looks different depending on the child,” Graber says. “Ideally, every kid finds a permanent family and is legally adopted. But sometimes time runs out. In those cases, success means building a strong support network so the child has people in their life who care for them and help them heal.”

Self-care

While rewarding, the work can be tough, Graber admits.

“I often tell people that the highs in this work are really high, but the lows are really low,” she says. “I’ve experienced burnout and secondary trauma through this job.”

Because of that, self-care is critical.

“I’ve had to seek out my own counseling to process some of these things,” she says. “I make sure I take care of myself — getting good sleep, eating right, running — all those things. I journal and meditate. And I make a point that when I go home at night, I’m not checking my email. It’s tempting because you want to help these kids and families all the time, but there’s that saying about putting on your oxygen mask first; you have to take care of yourself to be able to do this work long-term.”

But she wouldn’t have it any other way, likely because it’s in her DNA.

Graber’s mom was a social worker and her dad and sister both have degrees in social work.

“It kind of runs in the family,” smirks Graber, who has been involved in social work in one form or another since she was 21 and worked for Lutheran Social Services before taking the job with the Children’s Home Society of South Dakota nine years ago. “I tried to fight it for a long time because, you know, you don’t want to be like your parents. But it just fit me, and it fits with my spirituality and my sense of purpose — to walk alongside others and help them through difficult times.

“I’ve always been drawn to kids and families,” she continues. “I’ve dabbled in other areas of social work here and there, but this is what I’m most passionate about.”

As for the award from the Dave Thomas for Adoption Foundation, she is both gracious and humble.

“It’s a huge honor to be selected,” Graber says. “There are a lot of amazing people doing this work nationwide.”

The award presentation itself included a short video of Graber at work and the formal grip-and-grin on stage that goes with such ceremonies. “It was a bit uncomfortable being the center of attention, she said. “I didn’t get into this work for accolades; I’m here to help people, so awards feel a little uncomfortable, but they’re also motivating.”

To that end, Graber will keep on doing what she’s most passionate about — helping those in need of basic human care through healthy and meaningful relationships.

And she will also use her platform to promote the deep need for foster families, not only in South Dakota but around the nation.

“Part of why I want to share this award is to encourage people to think about becoming foster or adoptive parents,” she says. “Many kids linger in care with no family to place them with and end up in residential or group care.

“That can change if more families were willing to open up their homes, and more communities supported them in that process,” Graber says. “Even if you can’t foster yourself, you can support families who do.”

To learn more about adoption, visit davethomasfoundation.ca., or the “child protection” page at dss.sd.gov.