I did this last year, but considering the season, it seemed appropriate to do it again.
Thank you, magicians, for claiming that something is impossible and then making it…possible.
Thank you, close talkers, for having the worst breath.
Thank you, people with the least number of teeth, for smiling the most.
Thank you, dishes, for always being dirty when I need you.
Thank you, movies, for showing me that all necklaces can be pulled off with the slightest effort and put back on again with no problem.
Thank you, pre-packaged frozen broccoli, for being 95 percent stems.
Thank you, principles, for getting people mad at me when I stand up for you.
Thank you, health insurance card, for having the words, “In case of an emergency, go to the nearest ER or call 911.” Because the first thing I do when something bad happens is get out my insurance card to find out what to do.
Thank you, radio stations, for cutting into the “Uninterrupted Ten in a Row” to let me know I’m listening to an “Uninterrupted Ten in a Row.”
Thank you, clinics, for requiring that I be at my appointment 20 minutes early, so that I now have the privilege of waiting an hour plus 20 minutes.
Thank you, non-small cell carcinoma, for refusing to go with the obvious name of “big cell carcinoma.”
Thank you, advertisements about incontinence, for always directing my eyes to the actor’s rear end.
Thank you, Kraft Parmesan Cheese, for making me ponder exactly how bad your product would be if you didn’t add the anti-caking agent.
Thank you, pink rock, for being the perfect one-size-fits-all solution to every type of road problem.
Thank you, weekends, for fooling me into looking forward to you, even though I just end up working even harder and for no pay.
Thank you, fly, for making yourself scarce the second I get out the swatter.
Thank you, the only Google result worth clicking on, for always saying “Page cannot be displayed.”
Thank you, every recipe I’ve ever read, for instructing me lastly to “enjoy,” because otherwise I wouldn’t know what to do with my food after I cooked it.
Thank you, dog crap, for having your own gravitational pull that somehow lures my shoe right over to it.
Thank you, every malfunctioning machine I’ve ever had to deal with, for being on your best behavior the day the repairman comes.
Thank you, TV, for making sure that the only one of 500 channels that I’m interested in watching will not have good reception.
Thank you, French toast, for being a confusing breakfast that consists of a piece of bread that’s purposely made soggy, fried until it’s crisp, and then made soggy again with syrup.
Thank you, US Postal Service, for continually finding the most annoying amount possible every time you raise the cost of a stamp.
Thank you, sun, for being both essential for life and something that can kill me.
Thank you, hair, for being beautiful on my head but disgusting in the shower drain.
Hopefully you all are genuinely thankful this week, instead of just sarcastically grateful like me.
Becky Waltner lives in Freeman with her husband, Evan.